TLDR: I need to take a break from work due to severe burnout, accompanied by intense anxiety and panic attacks. I’m also very sorry for being so unresponsive :(
Hi team,
I apologise to write this so late, but I’ve been dreading it since the last panic attack I had when I sat down to write this. They’re not something I’m used to, and I’m still coming to terms that my egotistical ass is going through this.
The past few weeks (months, if I’m being completely honest to myself) have just been me walking on a blade, trying to control my life, productivity and expectations. I can’t really stress how sorry I am, to have been dragging this for so long, where I should have recognised the symptoms and posted this sooner. There’s definitely an element of ego and denial in that. :(
BTW, some psychotherapy, physical exercise, hobby projects, and occasional vacations did help me be able to get on track, but the anxiety and depression always returned quickly due to any small stressor. This has bascially resulted in a paradox where I’ve just been shitty at work for a while, but also be fully occupied by it all my waking time.
Specifically focusing on work, this had been leading to way too many missed pings, unresponded emails, and in worst cases, spillovers. For the past few sprints, I’m sure many of you have noticed me lagging on work, emails, and barely finishing it in time with short bursts of forced productivity. It’s only now that I’ve been able to accept that this isn’t going to get better without a more dedicated effort to resolving this.
I had a call with Xavier on the past Thursday, intending to write+send this out at that time, but haven’t been able to do that till today. I am also increasingly more cognizant of the fact that a lot of my team has to bear the brunt of this.
Apologising specifically to @pooja, @adolfo, @tikr and @jvdm for committing to tasks of theirs that I should not have even picked up.
I’m hoping to be able to use the rest of this week getting things to a better state, either towards completion, or a handoff. I’m planning to be more attentive to emails in this week, and complete things ASAP, after which, I’ll be taking a 4-sprint (2 month) break, to be able to regoup, and get my mental health back. I am pretty hopeful, to be honest, as I’m lucky enough to have a good support system, which also includes this team.
Again, I really apologise for doing this at such a time. But I’d also like to just reaffirm as many have before me, that how very glad I am to be able to post this honestly, and have examples to look up to, regardless of how this ends up for me. I’ll open up a review thread for myself (or feel free to create one) in the future, if needed - I’m also completely okay if it doesn’t make sense for me to come back. In any case, I’ll try to keep this thread updated :)